Coffee Crisis
by Red Witch
Summary: The Figgis Agency learns the hard way to never let Krieger make coffee.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone out for coffee. I should have more coffee myself. Not the stuff Krieger brews. For obvious reasons.**

 **Coffee Crisis **

"Where **are** they?" Pam looked at the clock as she sat on the couch in the bullpen. "They're **late!"**

"Only by…" Cyril sipped from a cup of coffee and he looked at the clock. "Not even three minutes."

"Ray and Lana **know** it's their turn for bringing in the bearclaws!" Pam snapped. She grabbed what looked like a burrito and chomped into it.

"It's probably traffic," Krieger remarked. "And you're eating a breakfast burrito. It's not like you're starving."

"It's only technically breakfast," Pam said. "It's a cheesesteak burrito with hot sauce. But that's not the point. They always get the bearclaws from this really good bakery near Lana's apartment."

"Ray and Lana are getting the bearclaws?" Krieger asked. "As in they're coming in together?"

"Phrasing and ye-es," Cheryl rolled her eyes as she drank some coffee. "They called in earlier and said they'd get those bearclaws and other pastries Pam likes."

"And they're **late!"** Pam fumed as she drank some coffee.

"It's probably traffic," Cyril told her. "This is LA. There's **always** traffic."

"You're right," Pam sighed. "Those two are pretty punctual."

"Hey! We could do one of those exercises you were telling me about the other day?" Cheryl suggested.

"Yeah!" Pam realized. "That's a great idea!"

" **Pam** is excited to do _an exercise_?" Cyril blinked as he drank some coffee.

"The only exercise I've ever seen you do is lift a giant sandwich," Krieger quipped.

"You forgot running to Pita Margarita's as soon as it opens," Cyril added.

"This is from one of Lana's books," Pam said. "On how to deal with stress. So you don't burn out."

" **What** stress?" Cyril asked. "You people don't work at all! Even when there **is** work!"

"You have no idea how exhausting it is to keep up appearances," Cheryl sighed.

"I know how exhausting it is keeping up with your crazy," Cyril shot back.

"This exercise basically says to focus on something that gives you joy," Pam closed her eyes and grinned.

"You're thinking of orgasms right now, aren't you?" Krieger asked.

"Orgasms bring me joy!" Pam snapped.

"She's not wrong," Cheryl admitted.

"How about we focus on something **other** than sex?" Krieger asked. "I know it's a stretch but…"

"Okay fine," Pam sighed. "I'm envisioning bearclaws. Lots of bearclaws. Delivered by hot guys. And some hot girls."

"I'm envisioning a nice warm tropical beach," Krieger sighed. "Right next to my new laboratory. With plenty of experiments to play with."

"Oh, bearclaws on the beach!" Pam said. "Delivered by hot people in skimpy outfits!"

"A gazebo on fire," Cheryl sighed wistfully.

"No surprises there, right Cyril?" Pam asked. "Cyril?"

Cyril had closed his eyes and was in a world of his own.

He was standing in a graveyard. Right next to Archer's grave. He unzipped his pants and started to urinate on it. "La, la, la…"

"CYRIL!"

"What?" Cyril woke up.

Pam was looking at him. "You were having that pissing on Archer's grave fantasy again, weren't you?"

"No, no…" Cyril paused. "Yes. What gave me away?"

"That same dumb look on your face whenever you have that dream," Pam told him.

"You said focus on something that gave me joy!" Cyril snapped. " **That** gives me **joy!"**

Cheryl blinked. "I want to change my vision."

"I want to change my circle of friends," Pam groaned.

"We're here!" Ray's voice called out.

"Finally!" Pam shouted as the two arrived. "Took you long enough!"

"I know, I know…" Ray said as he walked in with some boxes.

"God forbid we're not here with the bearclaws on time," Lana said sarcastically. She was holding two cups of coffee.

"Tell that to the traffic," Ray said as he put the boxes down. "It is **insane** out there!"

"Looks like Pam's vision came true," Krieger quipped. "Technically…"

"He's not wrong," Pam said as she grabbed the boxes and opened them up rapidly. Then started eating with gusto.

"Try to remember to chew this time," Ray warned her. "You might actually **taste** your food."

"What's this about visions?" Lana asked as she handed one coffee to Ray.

"Pam was so stressed about not eating for four and a half minutes she had to do a stress buster exercise," Krieger explained. "Envisioning something that gives her joy."

"What?" Lana asked. "Like whenever Cyril imagines he's standing on top of Archer's grave and pissing on it?"

"Like I'm the only one who's ever had **that fantasy**!" Cyril snapped.

Lana and Ray looked at each other. "Eh…" They admitted with a shrug.

Pam paused between chomps of her bearclaw. "Yeah I've done that. Only I wasn't pissing on it."

"TMI Pam!" Ray snapped. "TMI!"

"Just saying," Cyril waved. "Do you guys want some coffee? It's really good."

"I already have some," Lana showed them the cup she was holding. "Ray and I got some on our way to work."

"Wait why did Ray come in with you?" Cyril asked.

"Ray did you finally decide to Q your G?" Pam asked.

"No!" Ray snapped. "Get your mind out of the gutter TMP!"

"TM…" Krieger began. "Oh, I get it. It's a play on TMZ! And they both spread a lot of gossip! I get it!"

"So, what were you two doing?" Pam asked. "Obviously not each other."

"If you must know, Nosy Nose," Ray said. "Both Lana and I needed some best buddies time. So we had a night in. We played with AJ then watched some old movies. We just talked about things. I slept on the couch like a true Southern Gentleman."

"You mean you were both dateless and lonely," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "You spent the whole night whining about how neither of you could find an honest man willing to be in an honest relationship while watching whatever was on TLC. Ate like a full quart of ice cream and Ray passed out on the couch after drinking about six or seven beers."

"First of all," Ray sniffed. "It was HGTV."

"They had an International House Hunters Mansion Edition going on," Lana added. "And we didn't eat a quart of ice cream."

"It was a small ice cream **cake**!" Ray added. "Midnight Mocha Madness."

"And we had scotch," Lana said. "We split a bottle."

"But I definitely didn't pass out on the couch!" Ray protested.

"That's true," Lana said. "He cried himself to sleep."

" **Me?"** Ray snapped. "I'm not the one who used up **two boxes** of tissues!"

"I have allergies!" Lana snapped.

"Since **when?** " Cyril asked.

"Since…Shut up!" Lana glared at Cyril.

"Basically, just like all those Saturday nights back in New York," Pam remarked.

"Well since yesterday was Tuesday…" Ray paused as he sat down on a chair. "Pretty much."

"Since we're all finally here now," Cyril sighed. "This Meeting of the Mindless can now begin. I'd like to start off by saying whoever brewed this coffee did a really great job."

"Yeah this some really good java," Pam nodded.

"I like it too!" Cheryl giggled as she drank some. "This perks me up almost as much as glue. Pam I so want to know what blend this is."

"I didn't make the coffee," Pam said. "I thought you or Cyril did it."

"I didn't do it," Cyril sad. "I thought you or Cheryl did it."

"I never really think about who makes coffee," Cheryl shrugged. "I see it. And I drink it."

"Hang on," Pam narrowed her eyes. "If **Cyril** didn't make the coffee. And **Cheryl** didn't make the coffee… **I** didn't make the coffee. And we know neither **Ray nor Lana** made the coffee. Then who…?"

"Oh, dear God," Cyril realized as he looked at Krieger.

"Thank God we got our coffee to go this morning," Ray said to Lana.

"What?" Krieger asked. "A guy can't make coffee for his co-workers once in a while?"

Cyril snapped. "Not if he has the habit of putting drugs in the coffee whenever he makes it!"

"I was wondering why he wasn't drinking any," Cheryl realized.

"WHAT?" Everyone else but Krieger shouted.

"Didn't you notice?" Cheryl asked. "He's the only one **not** drinking coffee."

"WHAT?" Everyone else but Krieger shouted.

"I can explain…" Krieger paused.

"This is not good!" Pam groaned. "It's **never good** when Krieger has to explain!"

"Thank God we got coffee to go," Lana said to Ray.

"Krieger you rat bastard!" Cyril shouted.

"Okay new rule!" Pam spoke up. "New rule. If **any** of us notices that Krieger isn't eating or drinking the same things the rest of us are, we tell **everyone!** Immediately!"

"That's a good rule," Ray agreed.

"I agree to that rule," Lana nodded.

"I probably will forget that rule," Cheryl admitted.

"You'd forget your own head if you could!" Pam snapped.

"Well it's not like she uses it," Ray pointed out.

"YEAH!" Cheryl shouted in agreement.

"This is going to end up as **another** one of those stories I tell in a future AA meeting," Cyril moaned. "I just know it!"

"At least you'll have a lot of them," Ray said. "You could end up being the most interesting one in your chapter."

"Speaking of chapters," Pam spoke up. "I'd like to throw the book at Krieger. Preferably a full set of **encyclopedias**! Wait do they still _make_ encyclopedias?"

"Will you let me explain?" Krieger asked.

"You might as well while we're still lucid!" Pam snapped. "Well most of us."

"Cyril does seem a little out of it already," Cheryl admitted.

"It was just another normal day at work," Cyril said to himself. "Until Krieger decided to put LSD in the coffee."

"It's not LSD!" Krieger snapped.

"Well whatever drug you put in!" Cyril snapped.

"I didn't put drugs in the coffee," Krieger protested. "This time."

"Krieger what the hell did you do?" Lana snapped.

"And do you have the antidote?" Pam asked.

"There is no antidote," Krieger said.

"Great we're doomed!" Cheryl moaned.

"No! Because there is **nothing** to antidote!" Krieger said. "It's just a different kind of coffee I came up with."

"How different are we talking about?" Lana asked.

"Krieger Valley wine different?" Ray asked.

"NO!" Krieger protested.

"Is it going to be different like whatever you served Bill Freegle?" Ray asked. "Remember him? He was our mail guy back when we were a spy agency. Until you gave him that drink that made him think he was the Roadrunner!"

"First of all," Krieger paused. " **A** roadrunner. Not **The** Roadrunner!"

"There's a _difference?_ " Lana was stunned.

Krieger went on. "Second, Bill Freegle came to **me** because he complained about being tired."

"He was run over by _several tires_ when he went crazy and ran on the freeway," Cyril snapped.

"Meep! Meep!" Cheryl cheered.

"This is nothing like that!" Krieger protested.

"This is going to be like Krieger Valley," Ray said.

"It's **not** going to be like Krieger Valley!" Krieger snapped. "It's the latest thing. Mushroom coffee."

" **Mushroom** coffee?" Lana asked. "Oh, dear God Krieger!"

"Not **that** kind of mushrooms!" Krieger snapped. "It's completely medicinal!"

"Great we're going to trip out on mushroom juice," Pam groaned.

"I'm definitely going to be the standout at my future AA meetings," Cyril remarked. "They'll know me as the only guy who got stoned on mushroom juice. Yeah **that** will set me apart from the rest."

"It's not…" Krieger snapped. "Will you let me explain? Mushroom coffee is coffee blended with dried and liquified matsutake mushrooms. Mushroom coffee has a higher level of antioxidants, less caffeine and less acidity. It lowers anxiety, supports your adrenal glands and helps the body use oxygen more efficiently."

"If it's so great why aren't **you** drinking it?" Pam snapped.

"I wanted to see if you would notice the difference," Krieger said. "Like a Folgers taste test."

" _The best part of freaking out!"_ Cheryl sang. _"It's Krieger in your cup!"_

"Hey Randy," Cyril went on in a funny voice. "See **that guy** over there? That's Cyril. He got drunk on mushroom coffee. Apparently, it had more crap in it than the water in Flint, Michigan!"

Then Cyril did another voice. "Boy am I glad I'm not **that guy**! That guy has really hit rock bottom!"

"Yeah," Cyril did the first voice again. "As bad as we are with our addiction at least we're not **that guy**."

"Oh yeah," Cyril did the second voice. "I feel **so much better** about myself because I'm not as low as he is."

"Cyril's freaking out already," Pam said. "Boy this stuff has a kick."

"Like Krieger Valley kick or…?" Ray asked.

"IT'S NOT LIKE KRIEGER VALLEY!" Krieger shouted. "The mushrooms are **fine!** They're just fine! Cyril is just being a drama queen!"

"I thought that was Ray's thing?" Cheryl pointed to Ray.

"Yeah!" Ray snapped.

Lana sighed. " **This** is why I had to buy a book on how to deal with stress."

"Listen!" Krieger snapped. "They're just regular mushrooms. I got them at the god damn grocery store. They have no hallucinogenic properties in them. I swear! I mean none of you three are freaking out or seeing anything right **now,** are you?"

"Well…No," Cyril realized. "Everything seems pretty normal to me."

"I guess," Pam said. "I mean everything seems normal."

"Yeah I mean," Cheryl looked around. "We're just in the bullpen. Nothing's blurry or weird. Everybody is here sitting down. Except for Mr. Fluffy Fluff over there by the water cooler."

"Mr. Who?" Cyril did a double take.

"It's that giant white rabbit that talks we hired," Cheryl said.

"I thought his name was Harvey," Pam asked.

"No," Cyril said. "That's the owl we hired to do our taxes. Harvey H. Owlton. He's over there. Hey Harvey."

A giant brown owl in a green sweater vest and glasses waved back. "Good morning Cyril. How are you doing today?"

"I'm doing pretty good Harvey," Cyril said. "How are those quarterly reports coming along?"

"Oh, they're doing as well as expected," Harvey sighed. "Considering the circumstances."

"Cheer up Harvey!" A black and white cow wearing pearls and a blue dress spoke up. "Everything is going to be fine. All you need is some can do attitude!"

"That's right Mildred," Pam said. "You tell 'em girl."

"Oh my God," A white rabbit in a red vest and a black jacket walked over to them. "I have like the most fabulous idea! What do people look for most often in the skies? Rainbows!"

"Are you saying if we find the rainbows, we'll make money?" Cheryl asked.

"Yes!" Mr. Fluffy Fluff said. "Everyone loves rainbows!"

"I'd buy a rainbow," Cyril admitted.

"Me too," Pam said.

"In fact," Mildred said. "I can make rainbows from my butt! Like so!" She did so.

"Oh my God!" Cheryl gasped. "Mildred the cow made a rainbow out of her ass!"

"We're gonna be rich!" Cyril gasped. "Thanks to our magical talking animals that produce rainbows out of their asses!"

Of course, Lana, Ray and Krieger didn't see or hear the animals. "Oh dear God…" Ray groaned putting his hand on his head in exasperation.

"Is it weird that they're all having the **same hallucinations**?" Lana blinked.

"With this group and the kind of chemicals they've ingested," Krieger paused. "It would be weirder if they didn't."

Meanwhile Cyril, Pam and Cheryl were fully into their shared delusion. "Hey everyone!" Mr. Fluffy Fluff cheered. "Let's have a musical dance number!"

"YAYYY!" Pam jumped up and clapped her hands.

At this point the animals started to sing. _"It's just another day of fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Just another day of fun!"_

With Mildred of course shooting rainbows out of her butt.

Cyril, Pam and Cheryl started dancing in what they thought was a complicated choreographed dance number.

But in reality, they were just stumbling along half drunkenly. With Cheryl occasionally jumping up and down.

This left a stunned Lana, Ray and Krieger to just watch them dancing around in the real world.

Lana and Ray glared at Krieger. "Just **regular mushrooms** huh?" Lana folded her arms.

"Told you," Ray said. "Krieger Valley all over again."

"The mushrooms weren't hallucinogenic! I swear!" Krieger said. "Although I did grow those coffee beans in some of my experimental fertilizer. Some of which Piggly contributed his…O-kay."

"Catch me Mr. Fluffy Fluff!" Cheryl jumped up and landed on the floor. "Ow!"

"I may have miscalculated here," Krieger blinked. "Whoo! Good thing I didn't drink any of the coffee."

"Krieger!" Ray and Lana snapped.

"What do we do **now**?" Lana asked.

" _LA! LA! LA! LA!"_ Pam laughed drunkenly and jumped up on a small table.

CRASH!

Which of course collapsed under her own weight. "I'm okay…" She warbled.

"Besides order new furniture?" Lana sighed.

"Better round them up and put them somewhere safe while they're detoxing," Krieger said. "The effects should be out of their systems completely within 12 to 24 hours."

"And where are we going to put them?" Lana asked.

"I made a padded room in my lab," Krieger said. "For…Other reasons."

"I don't want to know what they are," Ray groaned.

"Me too," Lana sighed.

"Ha! Ha! HA!" Cyril danced around until he bumped into a wall. "Oof!"

"Each of us takes a person and we lead them to my lab," Krieger said.

"I'll take Cyril," Ray said. "Krieger you take Cheryl. Lana you take Pam."

"Why do **I** get Pam?" Lana snapped. "You're the one with the bionic hand!"

"But you're almost as strong as she is," Krieger said. "With those…"

"If you make a comment about my hands so help me…" Lana made a fist at Krieger.

"Fine you can take _Cyril!_ " Ray snapped. "It will be just like when you two dated. You leading him on."

"I don't **want** Cyril!" Lana snapped.

"Story of his life," Krieger quipped.

" _La! La! La! LA!"_ Cheryl twirled around until she collided with the wall even harder than Cyril did. "I'm okay…" She then passed out.

"Fine you can take Cheryl," Ray groaned.

"But **I** want Cheryl!" Krieger pouted.

"You can take Cyril," Lana said.

"I don't want Cyril," Krieger said. "See?"

"Look at all the rainbows!" Cyril was dancing around.

"We are going to be up to our freaking asses in rainbows!" Pam laughed drunkenly.

"Fine **you** can take Pam!" Ray snapped. "I'll take Cyril."

"Why do **I** have to take Pam?" Krieger asked.

"Because this is all **your fault!** That's why!" Ray snapped.

"My hair is green! And I'm a tree!" Cyril grabbed his head. "No wait. Hang on. I'm not a tree. False alarm everyone! False alarm."

"If you see any hot guys sound the alarm," Pam giggled.

"He's right Krieger," Lana said. "It's settled. Ray takes Cyril. I'll take Cheryl. **You** take care of Pam!"

"Oh fine! Oh wait," Krieger realized something. He went to the table where the bearclaws were. He picked up the box. "Pam! Pa-am!"

"Did you say something Mr. Bearclaw?" Pam blinked.

"Come play with us in Magical Bearclaw Land," Krieger waved a bearclaw teasingly. "Where all your bearclaw friends will sing and dance…"

"Bearclaws…" Pam started to drool.

"That's right," Krieger said as he started to lead Pam out of the room, waving the bearclaw to get her to follow. "Follow the bouncing bearclaw."

"BEARCLAW! RARRRR!" Pam roared as she started to speed up.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Krieger shouted as he ran off with the bearclaws out of the room.

"GET IN MY MOUTH YOU DELICIOUS PASTRY!" Pam roared as she chased Krieger.

CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!

"We'll help him later," Lana said as she picked up Cheryl and slung her over her shoulder.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Krieger was heard screaming. "PAM MY ARM IS NOT A BEARCLAW!"

"What's left of him," Ray sighed. "Come on Cyril."

"Are we going somewhere?" Cyril asked as Ray steered him out of the room.

CRASH! SMASH!

"Yeah we're going to a party," Ray rolled his eyes.

"Oh cool," Cyril said. "Will there be any celebrities there? Ooh! Will there be any acts? Will there be party games? I like charades! I love charades!"

"Oh, I'm sure **something** will happen that you won't forget anytime soon," Ray groaned. "I know I won't."

SMASH!

"PAM! OWWWW!" Krieger screamed.

"HA HA HA HA!" Pam cackled wildly.

"Told you," Ray sighed. "Krieger Valley all over again."

"This is why I have stress," Lana grumbled as she carried Cheryl. " **This** is why I have stress!"

The following morning at the Figgis Agency the gang met up in what was pretty much left of the bullpen.

"I'd like to call this meeting of the Figgis Agency to order," Cyril said in a slightly hung-over voice. "First on the agenda…Krieger you are banned for **life** from making coffee!"

"I second the damn motion," Pam glared at Krieger with bloodshot eyes.

"Yeah I agree," Krieger moaned. His left arm was bandaged, he had a black eye and some scratches on his face. "By the way Pam your teeth are unusually sharp."

"You're just lucky she didn't gnaw off your damn arm," Ray said.

"I thought he was a bearclaw!" Pam snapped.

"Will everybody please stop **screaming**?" Cheryl moaned as she had an ice pack on her head. She lay back on a sofa.

"Okay so we're all agreed," Lana sighed. "Krieger is banned from making coffee. If we ever see Krieger not eating something we're all eating, we tell each other **immediately**. And we never mention what happened yesterday ever again to anyone. Is that clear?"

"Yeah we're good," Pam nodded.

"Fine with me," Cyril agreed. "From now if we want coffee we go to Dunkin!"

"Or Starbucks," Pam said. "They have good pastries."

"Haven't you had **enough bearclaws**?" Krieger asked angrily.

"Never," Pam said.

"Stupid question," Lana rolled her eyes. "Is that it? That's covers everything right?"

"One more thing," Ray spoke up. "What are we going to do about **her?** "

Mallory danced by. "Duchess! Oh, Duchess how I missed you! Of course, I forgive you for faking your death! You had to save the world from the Irish Prime Minister. You didn't have a choice! Oh, look at the rainbow! La! La! La!"

Everyone else glared at Krieger. "Sorry," Krieger said. "I still had some coffee left."

"How…?" Ray asked as Mallory twirled around.

"She came in this morning to do some kind of surprise inspection," Lana sighed.

"Instead she got the surprise," Pam said.

"Looks like the padded room is going to have another occupant," Krieger remarked. "I should charge rent."

"Ms. Archer is going to charge a taser when she finds out," Ray told him.

"She's not going to find out," Lana sighed.

Cyril pointed out. "Lana when that woman wakes up in a padded cell, she's gonna have a clue **something** happened."

"And odds are she's not going to like it," Krieger groaned.

" _La! La! La! La!"_ Mallory danced around.

"We'll just tell her she took some pills from her purse," Lana sighed. "She'll buy it. Lord knows she's done that enough."

Pam remarked. "I haven't seen her this happy since Trudy Beekman was hit with that lawsuit."

"Over what?" Ray asked.

"Who remembers?" Pam waved.

"Let's pray to God she doesn't remember **this!** " Cyril moaned as Mallory danced around. "In fact, I'm praying to God **I** forget this!"

"Odds are you won't," Pam said. "At least you'll have a story to tell at that AA meeting in the future."

"There are a **lot** of stores I'm going to tell at those meetings," Cyril moaned.


End file.
